When it comes to dating, there is no shortage of advice about it. Amazon alone brings up almost 28,000 books on dating, and of course, the vast majority is geared toward women. Sadly a lot of that is really bad dating advice.
There are some wonderful books out there, and some I certainly wish I had read 20 years ago, (and some that should be required reading in all high schools). But there’s also a lot of garbage. Add to that Internet advice — usually written in “5 Ways To …” format, and written by 22-year-olds fresh out of college at their first blogging job — it’s hard to know where to turn for sage advice when you’re surrounded by such bad dating advice.
Some of the Bad Dating Advice I’ve Encountered over the Years:
Ignore a Man
If you read any dating advice whatsoever, you are bound to come across the directive to completely ignore guys. Don’t call them, don’t email them, don’t text them and do not ask them out first. Dating gurus are united in their directive that men need to do the chasing — and if you so much as send out the weakest signal that you’re interested, they will flee in the other direction.
There are a couple of problems with this: One, the advice I’ve read that is geared towards men gives the same advice. Men are also told to ignore women. There’s a belief that the “high value” women know they are high value and only interested in the men who don’t chase them. What this leaves, of course, is men and women doing nothing but ignoring each other–clearly bad dating advice.
Women who do nothing but allow a man to chase them are at high risk of attracting chasers — guys who love the chase, and nothing else. These are usually the player types who have developed a very thick skin for a rejection or get off on it. But at some point, if you want an actual relationship and not just a race, you’ve got to turn around and look a man in the eye. You’ve got to stop running and say, “Why yes, I’d like to have a relationship with you too” before you can know if the guy pursuing you is going to panic at those words.
I recommend letting the guy do some chasing at the beginning — at least the first three dates — and then turning around and extending your interest. Ask him out. Invite him over. Give him a call. I’m not recommending you suddenly become the pursuer and chase a guy up a tree — but let him know you are interested. If he high-tails it out of there, then you haven’t wasted too much time.
Don’t Ask about the Relationship
In a popular book called “Why Men Love Bitches,” I was astonished to see that the “bitch” should never ask about the relationship and where it’s going. The “bitch” is supposed to be too busy/independent/popular/secure to even care about such petty matters. Just the kind of bad dating advice that seems to be a fine way to get yourself into a mess. The woman who can never ask a man where the relationship is headed shouldn’t be surprised if she finds herself steered hundreds of miles off course. Imagine being months or years into a relationship and not being able to maturely discuss whether the relationship is leading to living together, marriage, or children. Few men will bring these things up themselves if they can help it. And who wants to be with a guy who can’t handle a “where is this relationship going?” conversation.
Don’t Have Sex on the First Date
I think there’s nothing inherently wrong with telling women not to have sex on the first date if their goal is a relationship, the problem is the language in which the advice is couched. The advice is based on the idea that men weed out women who sleep with them early as a contender for a serious relationship. Some do, some don’t. But it shouldn’t be about the guy. A man who discards you after a night of first-date-sex may just as easily do it after a night of 20th-date-sex. Some men immediately panic after sex because they know from now on more is going to be expected of them. Sometimes it’s less about bad dating advice and more about the character of the person you are dating.
When to sleep with a man should be more about you, and when you’re emotionally ready. I’m not talking physically ready, because you might be physically ready in the first three minutes. But it’s time women accepted that they can’t necessarily fuck like a man. Women become much more bonded after sex than men do. Perhaps it’s the ingrained impetus we need to take the real risk that is childbirth. Though you might be on the pill and have no inclination to get pregnant, remember that women didn’t have this option for eons. Our biology hasn’t necessarily caught up with the pharmaceutical industry.
Women who have a history of becoming emotionally attached after sex need to accept this about themselves and hold off on it for as long as they need to until they feel fairly secure that the man is on the same page she is about the relationship. Do NOT make the mistake of thinking that sex will bond a man to you emotionally and try to use it as leverage to extract a relationship out of him. It simply doesn’t work.
Cheat-Proofing Your Relationship
I cringe every time I see a “10 Ways to Cheat-Proof Your Relationship” type article. Because there is no such thing. All you can do is work on your end to make the relationship as healthy as it can be. Because men can cheat when they’re getting stupendous sex. They’ll even cheat when they’re happy. I’ve had enough happily married men hit on me because they miss how it feels, or they want to see if they can spark my interest. Many people cheat because the opportunity is staring them in the face and they feel like it. It’s too scary to think you have little to no control over what another human being will do, so we lap up these “If you do A, B, or C, your man won’t cheat” articles. Then, if he does cheat, you blame yourself. These articles can be good to get a sense of things you might want to improve — but don’t fool yourself that anything can CHEAT-PROOF a relationship. It’s bad dating advice if they’re trying to convince you anyone, five, or nine things can promise you that your may will stay loyal.
Don’t Treat Your Date like a Job Interview
Yes, by all means, treat a job interview more importantly than a date. Are you kidding? Talk about really bad dating advice! Treat it like a job interview. You shouldn’t hit all of the important questions on the first date, but at least pick three. Women get it drilled into their heads that they’re not supposed to ask heavy questions on dates — that this will ‘scare’ a guy away — well if a guy can’t answer important questions now, he probably won’t later. Better to scare a dude like that off.
When a Man Tells You Who He Is, Believe Him
While there is some truth to this — many women minimize or dismiss a man’s assertion that he is, say, a “confirmed bachelor” when they shouldn’t — it’s important to listen to what he says and take it into account, but then watch to see if his actions match his words. If he says “I love you” but isn’t treating you lovingly, isn’t being truthful, is being shady or sneaky, or parts of his life are closed off to you, then what good are those three words? On the other hand, if a guy is treating you like a girlfriend, but won’t call you that, then something is off. Actions and words should match up. A man will show you who he is much more than tell you. So stop listening to bad dating advice and start listening to him.
